May was a whirlwind and when I look back, it seemed busier than other times. Starting with the book fair, then a trip to Jogja for a friend’s wedding, then a trip to the site (which this time wasn’t all that good, to be honest), and suddenly it’s the end of May.

To be honest, for the past few months I haven’t been feeling that well. I feel sluggish all the time, and I come home from work unable to do anything but lying in bed, too tired to shower or even to have dinner. When I wake up in the morning, I feel so exhausted, like I haven’t slept at all. I’m acutely aware of how unfit I am, and I want to do exercise regularly, but I don’t even have the energy to do that after work. Once I forced myself to go for a run despite feeling bone-weary, and the next day I got sick. I keep losing weight without meaning to (and no, this is not a humble brag), and people have realized and been commenting on that. It was flattering at first, and then it gets worrying. My hair loss is at its worst too.

And on top of all, I feel extremely unhappy and depressed. I tell myself, ‘get over yourself,’ or ‘shake it off.’ I tell myself to stop whining and complaining. Some days, I feel like curling in bed and crying, and not wanting to talk to people, even the closest ones. More often than not I wish to be left alone, not so I could enjoy solitude and peace, but because I couldn’t deal with people and things in those times. I cry easily now, for the smallest thing that my normal self wouldn’t find it emotional. At first I thought it was PMS, but seeing how it happened every few days, I realized it definitely wasn’t PMS.

The constant fatigue and the depression are the worst, I’d say.

I’m a true believer that if you don’t like something, you either change or accept it. This time, I choose to change it. Now that June has begun, I have a lot to look forward to. Starting with a vacation to Bali with my former housemates, working on some photo projects, meeting up with old friends who are on a summer vacation, and a few other things that I hope will help me to be better and happier.

I’m doing my best to get out of this black hole, and I’m close to the end of the tunnel. Close enough that I can see the light.

Fingers crossed.