This February has been a weird, confusing month.
It feels like so many things have happened, and yet, it also feels like there’s nothing much going on. It’s hard to explain.
In some areas in life, things couldn’t be better, but other areas are in a stark contrast. I’ve been feeling elated and ecstatic at times, and sad and depressed at other times. My feelings seem to fluctuate to both ends of extreme, and it’s draining me. Owing to this, I try to numb myself at times. Sometimes it works, but other times it’s a disaster. Sometimes I feel nothing and unemotional that I could watch sad scenes with completely dry eyes and without a lump in my throat (think The Fault in Our Stars, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, or The Lion King), something that old Dixie wouldn’t be able to do. But at other times, the rush of emotions seem to inundate me, and I feel everything, maybe with much more intensity. This, as a result, could send me into a crying fit over the sight of totally mundane things (I once turned into waterworks when I saw a girl buying a frozen yogurt. Crazy). Sometimes I feel everything and nothing all at once, like someone is mercilessly playing an on-off switch of these emotions. I may still be the touchy-feely person I once was, albeit with more erratic pattern and unexpected outcomes.
Also in this February, I’ve got a few important life lessons, and although they might have come a little too late, it’s better than never, I guess. I’ve learned the hard way of the very true meaning of the saying ‘You’d be more disappointed by things you didn’t do, rather than the things you did‘. Oh, how I learned my lesson.
I’ve also learned that my assumptions are unreliable at times, and silence is not always golden (sometimes, it could very well be toxic, killing everything that might grow into something amazing). I’ve learned that it’s impossible to truly let go without closure, and to never, ever leave without saying goodbye.
It seems like after 26 years I’ve still got a lot to learn, like when to keep things to myself and when to let it out in the open and… talk.