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What a contemplative month this October has been.

I’ve experienced the nasty jab of realizing that I don’t matter when I thought I did. And to experience that again — albeit in completely different circumstances — in the space of less than a year after the last, let’s just say it’s been a shoddy few days.

And it hurts. It really truly does.

Because when people you held in such high esteem acted without regard to you and your feelings, it makes you question your place this whole time, and whether everything else you think of yourself would be proven wrong.

At this point, no explanation or words of comfort from them is enough for consolation. Their actions speak louder than their words, and as Mahatma Gandhi put it a bit differently, ‘action expresses priorities.’ Now I know their priorities, where they stand, and my place.

Pain is so much worse than anger. With anger, you could just snap it out and be done with it. Pain stays, or at least it will for a long while.

If there’s one thing this last few days taught me, it’s how important it is to consider people’s feelings. Not that I didn’t before, but now I’d go the extra mile to put people’s feelings above everything else, especially for those who are important to me. Because I’ve experienced how it feels to be on the receiving end, and it sucks.

That, or maybe I should be more careful to decide people’s worth.

I’ve always loved October, but like every other things in life, there’s always exceptions.

This month is one of those.