I usually end December with a post that includes a look-back on the year, reminiscing my favorite moments and lessons learned.
I feel like I can’t do that this year.
2015 is a year that’s full of… nothingness. After a year full of adventures and remarkable moments in 2014, moving to 2015 was like stepping into a big void, and I find myself struggle to find good things or happy memories in this year to look back to.
In January, I bid a tearful farewell to Southampton, preparing myself for a life in the city I’d always wished I didn’t have to live in, Jakarta. Ever since my parents moved to Jakarta in 2008, I’ve tried hard to at least be content living in this city. It’s almost a year since I moved here, and I still find it hard. I come home everyday feeling exhausted, unable to do anything but lying in bed and browsing. The 2-hour commute drains me, and I’m acutely aware that the time I spend on the road is increasing, as the traffic gets worse everyday. I know I’m still luckier than most people here who could spend 4 hours commuting each day, but still, it’s exhausting.
Because of this, I spend the weekends to recover, choosing to stay home rather than going out somewhere. I have legit reasons for this: 1) I need the rest, 2) the traffic on the weekend is far worse than it is on weekdays, 3) every place is far too crowded for my liking, and 4) places for entertainment in reasonable distance are only malls, which are not my preference in this case (or in any case, for that matter). People usually stares at me like I’m an alien upon my declaration that I hate malls and avoid going there. I guess they will never understand that I’ll always choose a place with some quiet, without crowds and excessive amount of shops.
Also, the fact that the company I’m working at doesn’t allow new employees to take leave until they’ve been working for one year has exacerbated my depression. I SO badly need to get out of Jakarta, but am unable to. And the options for weekends are also limited, as it’s not worth it to spend a mini fortune just for being rushed here and there. I would do it if it could make me come back to Jakarta feeling refreshed, but usually I get exhausted instead of recharged.
This year is definitely not the greatest time, and I’d even venture to say it’s one of the worst years in my life. I constantly feel tired, my hair loss is at its worst, I’ve lost interest in things I used to love, and I feel hopeless about life at the moment. In short, I’m stuck in a rut.
This isn’t the most cheerful post here, but I’ve been bottling this up and I need to let some of it out and move on from 2015, to a happier, brighter, better year ahead.
Here’s to adventures and good things that are yet to come.
Happy new year!