Last week, I turned 28, and there’s a weird feeling that came with it.
It’s not so much of a fear of getting older, but more like the fear of running out of time. The clock is ticking, but I feel like I haven’t done so much. I’m only a year older than a few weeks ago (technically), and yet the difference feels massive. Saying “I’m 28 and looking for a job” sounds a lot worse than “I’m 27 and looking for a job”.
I have a lot of things planned for my life, and where I am now is not how I pictured life at 28 would be.
Sometimes Many times, I can feel frustration and self-doubt starting to get into me, and it knocks off my confidence pretty badly. I feel that I should’ve done and achieved more in this age, and yet here I am, still struggling to build a career in a place that is completely new.
People who are close to me tell me that I’m being too hard on myself, and a recent test for a job application confirmed that. While it might be true, it still doesn’t make me calm down, and I’m always yearning to do something. To achieve something that I can be proud of.
This year’s birthday was a quiet one, like it’s always been for the past few years. While in the past I took a delight in getting wishes from as many people as possible, as I grow older, the number of wishes and WhatsApp messages means so little. It touches me when people remember, and when they take time to send me thoughtful and sincere messages (so thoughtful it made me cry in the middle of the day when reading it).
As I grow older, my birthdays have become a lot quieter, but a lot more meaningful. I’m grateful for another year to live, and for the happiness and health that I have. At the end of the day, that’s what matters the most.
This year, I got tickets to see Madame Butterfly as an early birthday present from my sister’s boyfriend (the last show was before my birthday, hence the early present). H gave me tickets to see the Notre Dame musical in November, and my sister gave me a set of gouache paint that I’d wanted for so long, plus a subscription to Skillshare‘s online classes. I remember saying to them that a gift of experience was priceless, as I’d take the memories with me until I’m old. They remembered this and gave me just that.
Lots of flamingoes as they knew I was obsessed!
I spent my birthday strolling around Botaniska with H. Later on, my sister and her boyfriend would chase me down the park to sing happy birthday. We went to a local Thai restaurant after that, and I had one of the most amazing meals I’ve had in Gothenburg. Toward the end, the waiters came with the desserts and sang happy birthday, with people in the room clapping and joining in for the serenade (note to self: learn how to sing the birthday song in Swedish!).
They chased me down the park with these.
As birthday goes, this was a pretty good one, and I’m so grateful.
Sounds like you had a great birthday Dixie.October 15, 2018 at 4:54 am
As I get older, I tend to go for quiet birthdays with my family and closest friends too. It feels more special. I hope the year ahead will bring you more happiness and love, I know it sounds so cliche for a birthday wish but sometimes it takes so much effort to be happy and to love (especially self love!) but I know it will come to you 🙂 lots of love xx
Thank you Gy! Perhaps it happens to most people, that they cherish quiet birthdays more as they get older. Thank you so much for the wishes, right back at you! 🙂October 17, 2018 at 12:51 pm
Happy belated birthday, Dixie!😘 28 is still very young, so don’t worry too much and don’t be so hard to yourself🤗🤗
But it’s true, the older I am I don’t feel like partying with lotsa people to celebrate, I am more happy to just spend it with my little family and closed friends. xxOctober 15, 2018 at 12:08 pm
Thank you Mbak Ria! I’ll try to relax a bit 🙂
And yes, as I get older I want to spend my birthday with people that are close to me. I guess this is the same for most people 😀October 17, 2018 at 12:52 pm
I’ve been a fan of celebrating birthday with my self, but sometimes making room for sharing the joy with lovely people doesn’t hurt either :*October 15, 2018 at 7:33 pm
Happy birthday Dixie! They say, don’t count the number but the blessings. And I am sure the achievements are in order 🙂
Thank you Dita! I’m happy with small celebrations with my fave people. I’m counting the blessings, and really hope to have more achievements in the years to come 🙂October 17, 2018 at 12:55 pm
Happy belated birthday, Dixie! Like others who have commented, I also tend to celebrate my birthdays more quietly as I get older. It started probably ten years ago when I hid my birthday on Facebook, so only those who were very close to me gave me birthday wishes. PS: being hard on ourselves is good, only when it pushes us to become better persons. When it punishes us and tortures us, we might have given ourselves too much pressure. Moderation is key to living a good life (I myself am still striving to live such a life).October 20, 2018 at 12:12 pm
Thank you Bama! I also hid my birthday on Facebook some years ago.
And true, I feel that being hard on myself really works on pushing me to strive and do better, but like you say, I’m also still struggling to have the balance. I don’t always get it right. Here’s to living a good life with moderation! 🙂November 1, 2018 at 9:49 am