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A Birthday Note: Almost 30

I celebrated my 29th birthday last month, and surprisingly, I felt okay about it.

Compared to my birthday last year, where I was worried and anxious that I hadn’t done enough for my age, I feel a lot more content this year. Career-wise, it feels like I’m on the right track, and I’ve finally got a grip on building a life in Sweden. In many ways, this year is so much better than the last. I’m more confident, and I’m in a good place in my life.

This year also saw me making peace with myself, and parts of it that I thought were ‘terrible’ before. Yes, I’m stubborn, impatient, and too straightforward. But this stubbornness has given me the drive and persistence that I didn’t know I needed for my career and myself. My impatience keeps me going, and I make things happen because I just cannot wait. I finally see the two sides of the coin — these flaws are also my strengths, and I no longer curse myself for those.

But as I’ve been working on improving some areas in my life, some things are slipping away, like relationships with friends and family. There’s a sense of loss that’s been gnawing inside me as I feel the distance between us is getting bigger day by day, and I’m struggling to restore the closeness and familiarity that were once so effortless. This is something that I will work hard on; the people I love.

Another thing is, as I’ve been more settled and fallen into a routine, I feel a longing for the carefree feeling the younger me had. I was a lot more naive back then, but also a lot more adventurous and fearless (borderline careless, if I’m being totally honest). I did impulsive trips and bold moves, I felt things intensely, and I wrote things that mostly came from the heart; raw, unpolished, but also beautiful.

This realization hit me during the John Mayer concert last month. As I listened to him singing the anthems of my youth, all the nostalgic moments rushed through my head, and with that, the intense feelings I had all those years ago when I first listened to those songs. And I thought, God, I can’t remember the last time I felt something so deeply, so moving, so euphoric like this. I found that as things are settled, so are feelings. There’s no highest highs and lowest lows, just contentment. It’s not a bad thing at all, but sometimes I wonder if those intense feelings are something in the past, and if this is a natural process as I progress and settle into life as an adult.

One month of being 29, eleven months away from turning 30. I wonder how next year will look like.

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3 Comments

  • Reply denaldd

    Happy belated birthday, Dixie. Sehat2 dan bahagia selalu.

    November 11, 2019 at 5:14 am
  • Reply Wati

    Selamat Dixie! I can relate for sure. Menurutku sepertinya memang begitu proses nya ketika usia bertambah. Kalo aku kurang sebulan lagi akan jadi 42 th dan menghitung tahun untuk jadi 50th (omg 🤩). Masa mudaku juga kalo merasa dalam sekali, intensif dan suka pikir kenapa kok gak bisa yang datar saja. Justru aku rindu masa seperti sekarang, lebih stabil. Aku suka dan menikmati. Sudah bisa membuat distance ke hal2 tertentu dan diri sendiri, tidak lagi merasa harus membuktikan apa-apa ke siapapun. I survive a lot of things after all.

    Dirimu sudah mencapai banyak dalam waktu singkat, Dixie! Tepuklah pundak sendiri -Klappa dina egna axlar, so well done! Kelemahan yang juga kelebihanmu yang berperan mengantarmu ke tempat dan posisi sekarang. Embrace it and you are doing great, Girl! Just be You och grattis igen. Lots of 💕

    November 11, 2019 at 6:09 pm
  • Reply Nazura Gulfira

    Happy belated birthday, Dixie!!!

    Sejujurnya apa yang kamu tulis di sini, more or less juga aku rasain dan kepikiran belakangan ini. Bahkan rencananya juga mau nulis hal yg sama, tapi masih nyari kesempatan buat nulisnya. Tentang jarak yang semakin lama semakin berasa, bukan cuma dengan orang – orang yang kita kenal, tapi juga orang – orang terdekat. Ini sempat aku rasain sampai akhirnya ada beberapa kejadian yang justru membuat sadar bahwa sesibuk dan sejauh apa pun, harus tetep ngasih effort buat menjaga hubungan dengan orang – orang terdekat kita. Terus juga tentang rasa nyaman dengan rutinitas, tapi di sisi lain juga kangen dengan beberapa bagian diri kita di masa lalu yang suka explore sana sini.

    Duh kok jadi malah curhat hahah. Anyway, semoga usia baru ini semakin banyak memberi hal – hal baik ke kamu yaa, Dix 🙂

    November 12, 2019 at 5:26 pm
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