The phrase ‘Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, and love like you’ve never been hurt’ is not something new. Dance like no one’s watching? Oh yes I do that, because otherwise, how would I get myself to dance? Sing like no one’s listening, I do that too. Sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes outside, and in a karaoke bar if I’m drunk enough to not care about the amusing show I’m about to give the people in front of me. But the last one? Not sure.
I’ve always thought it’s a rather impossible thing to do. Years ago, when I didn’t know any better, I loved oh so freely and recklessly. Along the way, I got hurt, recovered, loved again, and so the cycle continued. But every time I loved again, I loved in different ways than the past. I was becoming more mature, maybe. But I still think the fear from the past experiences posed a greater influence than me getting mature.
I started to build walls around myself, never completely exposed myself to someone, no matter how much I loved or trusted them. Consequently, I’ve never trusted anyone 100%. I’ve learned the hard way that feelings change and trust can be broken just like that. I hid my feelings better, and actually succeeded in getting everyone believe I was having the time of my life when at the same time, I was crushed.
It’s a bit unfair, I guess. I have someone who’s pretty much the projection of my past self, and he met the altered version of me. The cautious, untrusting, and paranoid me. The me that’s incapable of loving purely and freely, without the slight (if not much) apprehension on edge. He’s the person who’s broken that goddamn vicious cycle, and he’s never known and probably will never see the best version of me. I’ve become another version I slightly despise.
That doesn’t make me love him any less, though. He’s brought so much love and happiness, that I’m slowly becoming less of this version. Not so much that I’m back to the old version, but just enough to make me want to give the best of this version to him, just so I can make him feel all the things he’s given me.
And he deserves that.